Dear Diary,

Today I actually went out and did somethings that were a little out of my bubble.  I say “bubble” because I have realized that for about the past two weeks, I really haven’t been doing a whole lot more than going to work or being at home with my husband.  On the weekend we did go out to eat dinner but that was really our only “outing” besides grocery shopping.  So back to bursting my bubble…

I finally got over to the new gym down the street to see about getting a membership.  I used to be a big gym rat and was at my last gym for a little over 3 years; up until all my races ended in the spring.  After doing a second half marathon and several other 5ks and 10ks I took a break from the gym.  Then as the temperatures started to rise here in Central Texas I stopped running outside as well.  So basically I became a potato in my bubble.  But I remembered how good it felt to work out and to even just run on the treadmill.  So after putting it off for weeks, I finally went and got myself signed up.  But I felt weird doing it.  I was scared, in a sense, to commit to it.  I had to convince myself that working out again would be a good stress reliever.  In my head I knew I was doing the right thing but it felt weird to be going out and doing something normal when everything else going on with my family felt anything BUT normal.

After I left the gym, I texted a friend to see if she would mind if I came by for a visit.  Her and I run together a lot and we actually met at my pervious gym.  I hadn’t seen her in probably three weeks to I was glad to have a chance to catch up.  When I got to her house, another friend of ours was there as well and they started off by asking me how I was doing.  I don’t remember how it got onto the topic of my father but I explained his situation, along with how my mom and I where handling it.  Of course they said all the things people say when they hear bad news and offered any support they could, but it all just felt weird.  Then while I was there, my mom called and she sounded like she was almost going to have a panic attack at the grocery store because she didn’t know what she should get for her new, plant-based, lifestyle.  I went into the other room to help her out and calm her down.  When I came back into the room with my friends they had been carrying on about cooking and drinking tea and just everyday stuff.  That all felt strange as well.

I feel like the rest of the world just keeps spinning even though my personally world is trudging through some pretty messy shit.  I felt like it was hard to just “people” today.  Like I just wanted to go back home and then go to work and then come back home again after that and so on and so forth.  To get back onto the hamster wheel of my life.

I guess it’s the not knowing what could come the next day that makes it so hard to break that cycle.  My father got moved into a rehab facility today and from what my mom reported back, it doesn’t sound too nice.  There was a lot of confusion on what my father could or couldn’t eat.  My mom missed the new patient/family orientation and has to wait to go to the one next Thursday.  So for a whole week we are not really sure how everything is going to work.  She did talk to a couple of people there to get somethings sorted out but some of them didn’t seem to have all the information she was in search of either.  She told me the place looked very depressing and like it was someplace to take people to die, not someplace you take people to get better.  She was very depressed and distraught herself.  It was hard to hear her so upset.  And it is exhausting at times to hear her so worried.  I feel bad for even saying that because I have it a lot easier here then she does.  I just have to wait for the daily updates but she is the one living through those updates and then having to relive them to tell me about them.

The whole situation is terrible at times.  I was talking with my husband tonight and I was telling him that for right now, I’m glad that the last memories I have of my father was when he was still at home and more himself.  He has not been well for sometime but he was still managing to get around.  Now he doesn’t even sound like the same person.  He has a hard time doing the smallest of tasks, like feeding himself and his short-term memory is not what it used to be.  He told my mom the other night that he thought it was time that they let me know that he has cancer.  He had no idea that I have already known that since the first day he was at the hospital almost two weeks ago.  He just forgets the little day-to-day things.  He can remember lots of things from before he was in the hospital and before his surgery but anything that has happened after he gets confused about.  Things just don’t seem like they are getting better.

We are defiantly not in the business of “health” care in this country.  I am having less and less faith in the whole system the more that I know.  We have no idea what could happen if he just can’t get better; if he is not strong enough.  My mom certainly can’t take care of him by herself and she has no idea if Medicare pays for after care like that.

It’s just a big mess.

~a MAD, american, Vegan


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